Wednesday, January 19, 2011

{In Between}

one of the things i like about being on my own is the feeling of being independent.

even since i was little, i like doing things on my own, finding my own solutions, and making my own fixes to my problems.

this is where i find myself in an interesting position.

being a grad student, so many parts of my life feel 'grown-up' and adult-like.  i decide what and when i'll eat (my ymca kids were amazed i can actually and literally quite frequently eat cake for breakfast), i get myself to class on time and make sure i get all my work in on time, i have a speech client (that really makes me feel adultish), i have a job, i live on my own, i pay my bills... well... this is often when i feel like i'm not independent.

if you know me, i don't like asking for help.  it's a flaw of mine, because the joy of living in community is people are not only willing, but enjoy helping!  it's an interesting thing when you feel so independent, yet i still have to call on mommy and daddy when money is tight, there are problems i can't fix, or i just need a good cry.

thinking about all this on the way home from paying the lovely car insurance bill, i realized, i'm often like this with God.  i want to do things on my own.  i want to fix my own problems.  i want to be a big girl in His eyes, but really, while He created me as an independent, intelligent (at least i try to be!) and responsible (once again.. trying here too) person, he still wants me to need Him and go to Him on a daily, hourly, minutely basis.  it's so easy for me to say 'i've got this' and pretend i can do it all, but often, it ends in me timidly coming to Him and admitting i messed up again and i need Him to take that part of my life again.

i guess the way i'll always probably feel like i need certain things from my parents, even if it's just a hug, i will always even more so need Christ.  funny how things like paying car insurance can lead back to the realization i can't do life on my own...

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