Tuesday, July 19, 2011


today is one of those days i just feel stuck.

it's not like i woke up feeling bad or feeling good, but for the past few days, i just feel caught between many things.

i feel caught between being a child and being an adult.  i make grown-up decisions for myself each day, do the best to support myself, i'm entrusted with therapy and decisions surrounding that, i make my own meals and pack my own lunch (super adult, i know...) , but then i stop.  am i an adult?  what does an 'adult' feel like?  will i ever feel grown up?  do i even want to feel grown up?

i'm caught between being a student and being a speech therapist.  i go to summer school where information is intensely thrown at me and i do my best to trap as much as i can in this brain of mine.  i try to keep experiences, facts, percentages, rationales, all of it in various parts that i can one day retrieve and prove i really can do this thing.  i can do this thing, right?

it's strange... i just feel caught and honestly, most of it i can't even put into words.  the frustration of someone who is being trained to teach language and the infinite uses of words and sounds and utterances, and i can't put my own thoughts into those words... it's a fabulous (sarcasm) thing.

i guess this is life.  this is the internal struggle where only Christ knows me well enough to do something about it.  or maybe not do anything about it to teach me to let go and live.  to teach me only He can know me in this way- a way sometimes i don't even feel i can know me.  to feel caught between this world that isn't home and one that is

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